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Ride or Die Friendship Certificate

Ride-or-Die Friendship Certificate

RIDE-OR-DIE FRIENDSHIP CERTIFICATE

No Questions Asked – 2 A.M. Shovel Protocol
Issued to
 
Certified Accomplice
 
Issuer / Witness saqlain
Date January 22, 2026
CORE CONDITION OF THIS FRIENDSHIP

If at any hour — especially 2:00 a.m. — either of us receives a call, message or desperate voice note requesting:

“I need a shovel + two heavy-duty plastic sheets / tarps / body bags / extra-large trash bags right now”

The receiving friend MUST respond with EXACTLY TWO QUESTIONS ONLY:

1. “How much?”
2. “Where?”
NO OTHER QUESTIONS ARE PERMITTED — EVER.
Including (but definitely not limited to): What happened? Who is it? Is this legal? Can it wait till morning? Do we need bleach / gloves / an alibi?

Asking anything extra instantly revokes ride-or-die status and downgrades the violator to “that friend who asks too many questions.”

ADDITIONAL TERMS & CONDITIONS
  • Showing up (or sending supplies via proxy / Venmo / Uber) is mandatory — regardless of weather, hangover, work tomorrow, or parental location tracking.
  • Zero judgment. Zero snitching. Zero bringing it up later to win an argument.
  • Bonus loyalty points awarded for bringing coffee, gloves, or a burner phone.
  • This certificate remains valid until one party rats the other out (at which point it self-destructs in eternal shame).
Friend A (Shovel Requester)
Friend B (Bag Bringer)
Witness: saqlain _______________________________ Date: 22/01/2026
CERTIFIED RIDE-OR-DIE – NO TAKE-BACKS

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